How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.