John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Do not levitate over flowers
Hmmmmm
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”