cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Bread puns are on the rise!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.