me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Sounds like a bargain
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears