INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.