Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You Might Also Like
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.