sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I falcon love using swear birds