feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.