Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
my mom making me talk to relatives
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?