What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.