I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You Might Also Like
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
next level snooze
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.