I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Smile they said.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will