Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.