“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart