Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?