Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*