I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
You Might Also Like
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Just how popey was the pope today?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
What my back needs
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
This meeting could have been a cake