Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.