My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Who’s your best friend?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”