Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners