anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
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“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
wtf management?!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying