Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*