[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Can. I. Help. You.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Xylophonist Shredding It
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.