(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that