Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
i did the math
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?