[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?