now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
This is a true ally.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.