Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me