First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
DOOO EEEET
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city