Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.