“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I needed a laugh this morning.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.