So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.