I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The USS B port
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.