My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” ππ
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
It really doesnβt feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing βOh Holy Nightβ to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
got banned from Trader Joeβs for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
We’re all getting idioter.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My husband will eat anything that has the word βCowboyβ in it so tonight Iβm making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Welcome to your 40βs. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
β¦
Does this Guilt have a sist
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: thatβs right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.