11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
how long have you had this for?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!