Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16