If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
what’s the point then??
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order