If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
You Might Also Like
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.