Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button