“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
all bases covered
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺