Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My favorite farside!!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people