all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
You Might Also Like
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’