Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
pep talk
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂