My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Aw man, but that’s the best part
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭