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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days