I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it