It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You Might Also Like
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“What movie?” 🤔
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.