Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Stop being racist to kettles.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.