Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Worlds greatest photobomb
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
can you read it!!??
maan!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili