Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.